Mary Queen of Scots (2018)

Score: 4 / 5

This was a perfect companion for The Favourite on a double-feature date night with myself. Highly recommend the pairing, though lots of wine would have been nice.

While The Favourite was easily, well, my favorite of the screenings, Mary Queen of Scots has a lot to offer. Though arguably a remake of the 1971 film of the same name -- starring the incomparable Vanessa Redgrave and Glenda Jackson -- this new film owes a lot to its time and place. It's the sort of revisionist history porn that we all love feel guilty about, but keep indulging anyway. Think I'm wrong? Look at The Tudors and the host of shows it inspired and that keep making history sexy and soapy. Look at one of my favorite flicks, The Other Boleyn Girl, and the extent to which it obsesses over style and smut while sacrificing history at the altar. It's a magnificent aesthetic, one that loves history so much that it allows itself to take liberties.

Don't forget, these are films. Not history books. So get off your high horse.

Mary Queen of Scots begins with Mary Stuart (Saoirse Ronan) returning home to Scotland after being the Queen of France and widowed at the age of 18. Everything is set against her ruling in her homeland, from the Protestants taking over to her cousin Elizabeth (Margot Robbie) having assumed rule over both England and Scotland. The film focuses of course on Mary, establishing her household and plans for domination in spite of overwhelming opposition and open violence. The two queens regard each other from afar, admiring and testing their strengths while timidly seeking for answers. The world of men they inhabit is dangerous, and they know that far much more than their crowns are at stake.

Politics and religion, money and laws, rebellion and warfare aside, the film seems most interested in the private lives of these women. Though some will argue it's more fanciful than realistic to fantasize thus about the sexual exploits of these women, the film works because of its fascinating split between private and public realms. Just look at their costumes, inviting appraisal as well as interest, or the constant use of windows and doorways as frames for us to view both the inner and the outer. We're assaulted by endless facades, from the thick white makeup on Elizabeth's face to the translucent sheets adorning the barn in which our queens eventually meet.

Their adventures through worlds of men and sex seem awfully timely for this era, and the film is deeply queer in its attitudes. Leave it to screenwriter Beau Willimon -- developer and showrunner of House of Cards -- to acutely examine this most fascinating of boundaries between high politics and eroticism, suggesting that major points of history were dictated by a man eating out his queen or by the same man seducing another man in her retinue. Set in a crumbling castle in the exotic highlands, it becomes weirdly difficult to imagine anything else having happened in reality. Why shouldn't we review history as sexy? Otherwise, it's all too depressing and boring.

IMDb: Mary Queen of Scots

Bad Samaritan (2018)

Score: 1 / 5

I knew going in it wouldn't be a favorite, but nothing prepared me for this trashy, ugly, and downright stupid mess of a movie.

In a Frankenstein conglomeration of (better) movie references, Bad Samaritan sets off as the story of Sean and Derek who work as valets and, while their clients are eating, burgle houses. Unfortunately, they break into one that belongs to a serial killer and come across a kidnapped girl. Panicking, they do several more stupid things and get the serial killer hunting them too.

The two boys (played by Robert Sheehan and Carlito Olivero) may be pretty, but no amount of big round eyes or spicy accents can save them from themselves. Unbearably stupid, they put the blonde girls of '70s slasher movies to shame, and by the halfway point of the film -- which lasts almost two torturous hours -- I was rooting for them to die already.

Which is saying a lot, because the serial killer was also a total waste. Apparently tormented by a memory of killing prized horses (because that's such a compelling backstory?), he has turned his attentions to "breaking" young women. Well, and possibly men, but the movie seems to take delight in sadistically torturing the women. Too harsh? Try the camera that lingers on the body of our protagonist's girlfriend, or the repeated shots ad nauseam of the kidnapped girl strapped to a chair with a severely bruised face. David Tennant plays the killer (whose real name is irrelevant by the time we actually learn it) with bizarre mood swings and a few moments of psychotic rage that made me snort out loud in the theater. I will never understand why people think he's such a great actor.

The movie isn't bad just because of him, though. The story, while maybe a little interesting, is an irritating blend of plot points from other things, and feels like it was written to be a fanfic corruption of Don't Breathe with a few extra scenes from Disturbia and a rich version of Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs. The plot plods along slowly with sudden revelations and contrivances that are more groan-inducing than anything. A single screenshot of the killer's face and suddenly the FBI knows his identity, his criminal history, and his entire psychological profile? I think not, honey. Characters are flat and outrageously stupid until random moments when their ineptitude pays off; yeah, I'm thinking of that Chekhov bolt cutter under the seat.

The only thing I liked about this movie -- except Robert Sheehan's voice, eyes, hair, and outfits -- are the sets of the killer's house (gorgeous) and the hero's flat (comfy). But when you hate all the characters and the camerawork is rudimentary and uninspired and the score sounds like it was lifted out of someone else's equally poor movie, a couple nice sets are not enough to distract you from how much time you're wasting watching this garbage.

By the by, this movie was even less enjoyable than The Snowman. At least that one was pretty. Have we reached an age where serial killers have to live on television to be interesting? God, I hope not.

IMDb: Bad Samaritan