Anaconda (2025)

Score: 3.5 / 5

Have you seen Anaconda? The 1997 cult film is a disaster of a movie. As an unapologetic fan of even trashy creature features, I have long loathed that mishmash of horror and adventure that fails at everything except its own nonsensical joie de vivre. From Jon Voight's offensive accent to its garishly stupid effects, there is nothing of value in the product, though arguably the experience may prove diverting for those interested in watching Hollywood go so horribly awry. I'll never watch (nor understand, but that's another tirade) the four sequels -- yep, you read correctly, four sequels -- that have strung out its legacy, even inexplicably crossing over with our beloved Lake Placid.

Enter Tom Gormican, who must have been touched by God one night, inspired to create something fresh out of this stagnant puddle. Toying with a concept in flux between a remake, sequel, and reboot, Gormican turns the material of the '97 Anaconda into an homage not unlike what James Franco did for The Room in The Disaster Artist (2017). To be fair, this isn't quite as conceptually highbrow as that lauded feature, but it's damn close. Essentially, the new Anaconda exists in a metafictional world where the main characters' love of the original Anaconda leads them to launch production on a remake of it as a legit, must-be-taken-seriously film. It should be scary, and romantic, and exciting. So a group of lifelong fans are going to do the material justice.

Problem: they have no funding. On a minimalist budget (in fact, they seem to owe more than they are able to secure from a loan), the team travels via boat through the Amazon, making things up as they go, attempting to film the comeback story of their dreams. 

Gormican's work with Nic Cage in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent seems to have prepared him for this film, tonally, as it grapples with really dense concepts through low-brow entertainment. Playful and charming, Gormican's screenplay is matched in wit and earnestness by his assembled cast, who have all done this kind of work very well before. The team of wannabe filmmakers includes Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Zahn, and Thandiwe Newton, who before long discover that an actual monstrous anaconda lurks in the jungle around them. These actors, wacky and silly in their own right, mesh into a formidable ensemble whose sense of humor exceeds the grasp of the screenplay. One hopes that bloopers and behind-the-scenes footage will be provided to us with a home viewing release, because you can almost feel the riotous joy happening offscreen every time a scene ends. I wanted to see more shenanigans!

Their chemistry, as an added bonus, helps the film earn its own seriousness when it does, in fact, get a bit more emotional. There's a stirring sentiment that arises as we, too, hope these hooligans will make the film of their dreams; it won't be the film of our dreams, of course, but who among us hasn't fantasized about being behind a camera for our ideal movies? It's a simple tactic, but one that implicates our own hopes and desires in effortless fashion. To be fair, this film perhaps leans a bit too far into itself as an action film by its final act, and in that it's a bit disappointing; things explode and guns keep firing, and the film's parodic bent starts to get a bit too reflexive. Probably due to Black's screentime, I repeatedly had to remind myself that this is not, in fact, the long-awaited finale for the Jumanji series.

It doesn't all work, especially a bizarre subplot about criminals poaching (?) gold illegally in the Amazon basin and their connections with the team's hired boat captain (Daniela Melchior). And while there's some hilarious back-and-forth between Rudd and Black about the theme of their movie that gets repeated, they unfortunately never articulate anything about that. Similarly, I earnestly hoped that during the film's denouement -- or at least during its credits -- we'd see some of the film they shot, but we don't, which left me feeling quite sad. Putting these characters through such an ordeal without providing closure to their raison d'etre fails them as much as it does us.

I had a hell of a good time in this film, and I look forward to a rewatch. It's also, for whatever it's worth to you, easily one of my favorite killer snake films, making up a lot of lost points in my book simply for having some legitimately frightening moments with its laughably enormous serpent. So come for the adventure and comedy, enjoy the ride, and say hello to a cameo appearance or two. It's easy to take in, even if you're not used to swallowing your fare whole.

Jumanji: The Next Level (2019)

Score: 4 / 5

A rare case of the welcome sequel, the second (or, rather, third?) Jumanji does indeed take us to the next level. It's pretty standard stuff, much like the first, and pulls out the typical stops for sequels: bigger, louder, with more eye-popping visuals than you can shake a stick at. Yet this movie also manages to stay fresh, interesting, hilarious, and surprisingly moving. And as you might have predicted, there is a mid-credits scene that confirms there will, indeed, be another installment for those who seek to find a way to leave their world behind.

The Next Level begins a few years after the previous film, as our quartet of heroes have returned to the real world empowered and successful. They've all learned their life lessons, that is, except Spencer (Alex Wolff), whose miserable transition to college and disintegrated relationship with Martha has left him feeling weak and alone. He returns home for winter break and reassembles the broken pieces of the Jumanji game before getting sucked in again. When his friends discover his disappearance, they enter the game again to rescue him. But a few fresh surprises await them.

Because of the game's damage, it ability to suck players in seems random, as are the avatars each player embodies. And so begins a magnificent series of scenes depicting the actors we love playing new characters, perhaps nowhere more brilliantly than in Jack Black's Dr. Oberon. When the characters discover pools of water that can switch avatars, we're treated to a sort of body-snatcher comedy sketch that allows the actors some great room to show their skills. Similarly, due to the game's dangerous unpredictability, it also sucks in a few extra players, such as Alex Vreeke (Nick Jonas/Colin Hanks), Spencer's grandfather Danny DeVito, and DeVito's estranged business partner Danny Glover (both of whom have character names that I can't remember and don't really matter).

Soon enough, the whole team is "Welcomed to the Jungle" along with their new comrades, and attempts to channel the essences of the two Dannys make up the primary shtick that carries the film. By the time this gimmick gets a little old, we're thrown into some dazzling action sequences including an ostrich stampede and a mandrill assault on swinging rope bridges. We're introduced, moreover, not only to the jungle but to a desert and a snowy mountain peak; the production design is nothing short of stunning, as are the visual effects. Though this film's Big Bad -- Jurgen the Brutal, played by Rory McCann -- is neither as fun nor iconic as Bobby Cannavale's in the prior picture, it doesn't need to be. We're not here for the villain or the plot; we're here for laughter, adventure, and heart-warming character development, and The Next Level delivers these in spades.

Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot (2018)

Score: 3.5 / 5

In a year of men dealing with pretty intense therapeutic issues (Beautiful Boy, Boy Erased), Gus Van Sant's newest flick probably flew under your radar. And rightfully so, as its slyly humorous approach pales in comparison with those other films' gravitas. We follow in it -- the plot is not quite linear -- John Callahan as he struggles with alcoholism and his recent paralysis to become the noted controversial cartoonist. Oddly, the film seems to work against any notion of plot, almost deliberately blurring the lines of conventional narrative in order to force us to care about the characters.

Thankfully, this is one Gus Van Sant film in which he very much succeeds in this endeavor. Joaquin Phoenix (who, like his director here, is often either wholly likable or entirely unknowable) plays Callahan as almost too endearing, rendering the artist and commentator familiar and fun. His "everyman" approach works well for the character, whose real-life counterpart is apparently quite inflammatory, because it gets us to think about both behavioral problems and physical limitations that we may ignore, not understand, or take for granted. That's not dissimilar from many dramas involving disabilities or diseases, but here the focus is clearly on the human spirit as much as the body.

While some may argue that a lack of narrative structure makes the poignant observations and insights of this film feel like a random assortment of sentimental vignettes, I'd argue that it disturbs our conventional understanding of these tales and gets us to laugh along until something really surprises us. One of the biggest surprises for me was Jonah Hill as a most unlikely mentor for Callahan. He's an ex-alcoholic gay Christian and borderline hippie, living off inherited wealth and referring to God as "Chucky". Anachronistic (and maybe anarchistic) as the movie seems at times, Hill is a wonder to behold. His usual explosive, postmodern humor is so toned (and his appearance so caricatured) that he was almost as chameleonic as Phoenix usually is. His measured speech and perceptive character belie a warm heart that is as entrancing as the film itself.

That's not to say it's all comedy and sweetness. The film suffers in ways that, while perhaps not fatal, stopped me from giving myself over. Rooney Mara and Jack Black support the leads in roles that utterly waste their talents. Mara trips over her accent while Black is all but buried behind his mustache and villainous eyebrows. And as a biopic, the film utterly fails. I didn't learn a single thing about Callahan. The character could have been anyone, and as a drama been okay. Its determination to limit its scope to Callahan should have, in my opinion, had a purpose or point. Something that commented on, if not present culture (Callahan, after all, arguably represents a noteworthy shift in society from Reagan-era conservatism), then at least politics or society of its own time. Instead, we get a portrait of a man empowering himself and building a community of support. It's nice, but nothing new, important, or ultimately memorable.

Also, I made the mistake of doing some research. Apparently Robin Williams had initially been set to star. Imagine that movie for a bit, and it'll be much harder to praise this one.

IMDb: Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot

The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018)

Score: 3.5 / 5

Who the heck knew Eli Roth directed this? Because I sure didn't!

In a setup not unlike other coming-of-age fantasies, young Lewis Barnavelt is orphaned and sent to live with his eccentric and mysterious uncle Jonathan. He discovers that his uncle is a warlock and that their old, creaking house is riddled with magic secrets. Their neighbor, Florence, is a much more powerful witch, but tragedy has hampered her abilities. When Lewis unwittingly revives the dead on Halloween, the trio must work to stop an undead sorcerer from awakening his Doomsday clock -- built in uncle Jonathan's house!

The House with a Clock in Its Walls is easily my favorite Roth-directed film yet. And I don't mean that pejoratively. His Cabin Fever and Hostel are really interesting and valuable parts of horror cinema history. But nothing he's helmed has so captured my enthusiasm and good humor as this picture. Its infectious sense of fun bleeds into the details of script, performances, and even design. Think Disney's The Haunted Mansion having a baby with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It's a consummate work of childhood's dark fantasy in the suburban Midwest.

Of course, the "childhood" part contains its pitfalls, some of which damage the full impact of this picture. The '80s movie nostalgia is as full in force as the breakneck seasonal phantasmagoria (as some have called it) Roth is puking out onto the screen. Speaking of which -- the film also pukes. Pumpkin puke and griffon-hedge leaf-mulch-shit litter the film in excess, reminding you at each turn that, no matter the level of magic and fantasy and fun, some people will always enjoy the baser matter. While we might be thankful that Roth doesn't give us the same kinds of bodily fluids we might expect from his gore porn features, he proves himself able to translate the same ideas into a kid's movie.

Well, a "kid movie" that hints at some surprisingly dark moments. I was totally shocked, I admit, by the story's subplot involving the Big Bad Isaac Izard (Kyle MacLachlan). To undo the horrors of WWII, the villain makes a deal with the demon Azazel to create the eponymous clock that will turn back time and eliminate the history of the world. The plan may be silly, but the sudden appearance of the impish demon is a terrifying moment in the film, one that pairs nastily with the abrasive and dark nature of the evil magic we see. Bloodletting and pentagrams and all kinds of crazy stuff in this movie make the religious conservative arguments against the first Harry Potter sound even more laughable than they were.

Rote as it sometimes feels in its coming-of-age and fantasy elements, this movie holds its share of pleasant surprises. Most belong squarely to Cate Blanchett as Florence Zimmerman, the witch from next door, always decked out in fabulous purple stitches and wielding some powerful magic up her sleeves. Her tragic story, slyly referencing the horrors of the Holocaust, combines nicely with her character's foil in Jack Black's uncle Jonathan. The two bicker and insult each other in endlessly delightful banter, and then team up for some star-power badassery I never knew I wanted. Plus, Florence's story is an inspiring look at turning from shame and victimhood to glory and avengership.

And, of course, Roth's able direction makes this spooky and silly mess of a movie a thoroughly entertaining addition to any family-friendly Halloween movie list.

IMDb: The House with a Clock in Its Walls

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)

Score: 4 / 5

"Who plays board games anymore?"

That's a question that might strike at some of our hearts but carries some weight in an age when video games are free on phones, fabulously creative, dangerously addictive, and totally immersive. The cursed Jumanji game comes to understand its own irrelevance in the first scene of this new movie, and it changes overnight into a video game. Rather than unleashing exotic animals and weather patterns into the real world, however, this incarnation of the game sucks its players into its not-so-virtual world. That's what it did to Alan Parrish (Robin Williams) as a result of bad luck some thirty years prior, and that's what it does again as a default setting.

Once in the game, the rules are slightly different than before, and so is the format. Playing off video game conventions, the filmmakers here stress specific levels of the game -- indicated by ominous drumbeats echoing through the jungle -- as well as the unique skills and abilities of the players. Of those, we have four of central concern, kids caught up in detention. Their avatars in the game are decidedly unlike themselves, and as the film progresses they learn the values of teamwork, sacrifice, perseverance, problem solving, and owning their respective identities. It's a fun family movie that is at once more fun and more intelligent than it had any right to be.

The leads show off their pitch-perfect comedic timing, playing off each other with crackling wit. Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, and Karen Gillan are all a delight, Nick Jonas pops in for some hilarious studly scenes, and even Bobby Cannavale makes a bizarre appearance as the buggy big baddie. None hold a candle, though, to Jack Black, whose character is easily the most enjoyable part of the film. He plays a teenage girl obsessed with her phone and virtual following, and his scene of learning to pee as a man is the stuff of comic genius.

It doesn't always feel like a sequel to Jumanji, at least not to those of us raised on the earlier film. But mad props to these filmmakers who did something nobody really wanted and made it absolutely entertaining. It's not a great film, to be sure, but who would expect it to be? It's fun, and sans Robin Williams, that's an admirable goal to have achieved.

One does begin to wonder, though, with that subtitle of Welcome to the Jungle, if there will be more installments of this unexpected franchise. Or if it was just an excuse to rock out to the song during the credits.

IMDb: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle