I knew going in it wouldn't be a favorite, but nothing prepared me for this trashy, ugly, and downright stupid mess of a movie.
In a Frankenstein conglomeration of (better) movie references, Bad Samaritan sets off as the story of Sean and Derek who work as valets and, while their clients are eating, burgle houses. Unfortunately, they break into one that belongs to a serial killer and come across a kidnapped girl. Panicking, they do several more stupid things and get the serial killer hunting them too.
The two boys (played by Robert Sheehan and Carlito Olivero) may be pretty, but no amount of big round eyes or spicy accents can save them from themselves. Unbearably stupid, they put the blonde girls of '70s slasher movies to shame, and by the halfway point of the film -- which lasts almost two torturous hours -- I was rooting for them to die already.
Which is saying a lot, because the serial killer was also a total waste. Apparently tormented by a memory of killing prized horses (because that's such a compelling backstory?), he has turned his attentions to "breaking" young women. Well, and possibly men, but the movie seems to take delight in sadistically torturing the women. Too harsh? Try the camera that lingers on the body of our protagonist's girlfriend, or the repeated shots ad nauseam of the kidnapped girl strapped to a chair with a severely bruised face. David Tennant plays the killer (whose real name is irrelevant by the time we actually learn it) with bizarre mood swings and a few moments of psychotic rage that made me snort out loud in the theater. I will never understand why people think he's such a great actor.
The movie isn't bad just because of him, though. The story, while maybe a little interesting, is an irritating blend of plot points from other things, and feels like it was written to be a fanfic corruption of Don't Breathe with a few extra scenes from Disturbia and a rich version of Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs. The plot plods along slowly with sudden revelations and contrivances that are more groan-inducing than anything. A single screenshot of the killer's face and suddenly the FBI knows his identity, his criminal history, and his entire psychological profile? I think not, honey. Characters are flat and outrageously stupid until random moments when their ineptitude pays off; yeah, I'm thinking of that Chekhov bolt cutter under the seat.
The only thing I liked about this movie -- except Robert Sheehan's voice, eyes, hair, and outfits -- are the sets of the killer's house (gorgeous) and the hero's flat (comfy). But when you hate all the characters and the camerawork is rudimentary and uninspired and the score sounds like it was lifted out of someone else's equally poor movie, a couple nice sets are not enough to distract you from how much time you're wasting watching this garbage.
By the by, this movie was even less enjoyable than The Snowman. At least that one was pretty. Have we reached an age where serial killers have to live on television to be interesting? God, I hope not.
IMDb: Bad Samaritan
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