Red One (2024)

Score: 1 / 5

What the fa la la was that? I was already annoyed to hear that Jake Kasdan was taking on a different project before his long-awaited finale to the Jumanji series, and then the lackluster trailer for Red One was released, which didn't help. Finally watching it made my feelings decidedly worse. Christmas action movies -- fantasy or no -- are nothing new, but even before its halfway mark, I was ready to write that Red One stink, stank, stunk.

Derivative in every sense, the story (briefly) concerns a secret global paramilitary organization that monitors mythological beings on Earth. On Christmas Eve, mysterious soldiers break into the North Pole -- imagined here as a fantasy metropolis behind an invisible barrier -- and abduct Santa Claus. His bodyguard and liaisons to the cryptid agency recruit a mercenary hacker to help them find and rescue Santa in time for Christmas. Along the way, the hacker reconnects with his family and the bodyguard rediscovers the reason for the season.

Where to start? That the North Pole's concept is ripped from previous, better films like The Santa Clause and The Polar Express, surely, or that J.K. Simmons's St. Nick is about as un-jolly as he could possibly be, might crack the ice on this mess. The screenplay by Chris Morgan is littered with so many shitty pseudo-sci-fi acronyms that it's almost impossible not to start gagging when one character literally points out the ridiculousness of it all by changing the meaning of E.L.F.s, in pointed dialogue, to be one of the stupidest "jokes" in the whole movie. Then there's the alarming lack of actual Christmassy elements in a film literally about saving Christmas; instead of the typical trappings, the film is overwhelmed by its own product placing.

Aside from its inane incoherence, the film has worse crimes than bizarre general nonsense up its sleeve. It's almost unwatchable due to its heavy reliance on cheaply rendered CGI doused by lighting so lackluster and dull that you can barely see it. The reindeer are giant prehistoric beasts referred to repeatedly as "girls" as if they were dictation stenographers in the 1960s, answering to a single inexplicable Greek word from Santa when he needs them to... slay? It doesn't help when they take off and immediately fly like they're in the Star Wars vision of hyperspace. Various fantasy creatures live in the North Pole, none of which are interesting or given reasonable time to make any impression, artistic or otherwise. The villain employs several giant thuglike showmen to stop our heroes and their singular fight scene -- on a beach in Aruba, just for pointless fuckery -- is one of the most disjointed and aggressively confusing action scenes I've had the torment of ever seeing. Where is the magic? Where is the light?

The lack of artistic joy walks in tandem with a lack of storytelling joy here. Seemingly attempting to rely on the mythological underpinnings of the Santa narrative, the film hinges on its endless exposition to constantly build itself. Every scene is expository, and downright stupid dialogue pours from every character's mouth for the sole purpose of telling the audience what the hell is happening. The primary villain, Gryla the witch, could have been an inspired choice, as to my knowledge she's never been featured in a Christmas film. But she's so underused that I often forgot she existed (Krampus, looking like a D&D character more than the monstrous demoniac spirit, is featured more) until the climax, when she morphs into a laughably artificially rendered giant in a tattered cloak. Trying to break out of traditional molds is good and all, but only if you really go for it: here, though pulling from pagan myth and historical record, the film reimagines these characters in contemporary terms, making the villains less eldritch forces of nature or morality and more put-upon superhero baddies with no style or substance or significance.

Acting is effective in different ways to different people, but none of the acting in this film worked for me. Dwayne Johnson looks good, as always, but adds no charisma or pizzazz to the proceedings whatsoever; even his emotional state -- as the main character who must learn to see the child in others -- feels disconnected in the denouement, when it should be at its heartwarmingest. Chris Evans completely phones in his performance, blundering through the film (looking terrible, a distinct failing on the part of the costumer) as if he's intoxicated and dissociating. Lucy Liu tries to bring some earnestness to her overseer agent role, but by the time the film's focus shifts to Nick Kroll (who might be doing his best/worst Nic Cage impression) and Kiernan Shipka, nothing matters anymore.

And that's the problem. Talking about the theming is pointless because there is none. Gryla seeks to imprison those designated as naughty to leave only the nice people free, the absurd grandiosity of which belies its distinct problems as a plot device and as ethical commentary. If Johnson's character's crisis of faith can't be cured by literally being Santa's right hand man, then dealing with a Grinchy mortal who learns to reconnect with his obnoxious son shouldn't spur him on to a change of heart, regardless of the wrathful, vengeful ancient witch coming from the ether to usurp Santa's fatherly, grace-based modus operandi. Not that any of these potential themes are entertained by a screenplay so obsessed with entertaining that it can't quite make sense of its own ideas, much less develop them in any capacity.

With confused action, bewildering editing, unwatchable cinematography, inchoate plotting and inane theming, Red One isn't for anyone and does nothing. I don't think even kids would enjoy it. Save your time and save your holiday spirit. Depending on its financial state, it will almost certainly spawn sequels and spin-offs, likely based on other holidays, and that might just usher in the end of the world. This is one of the worst films of the year, setting out to do nothing of value and achieving even less by affronting the sensibilities of anyone unfortunate enough to watch it.