Pinocchio (2022)

Score: 2.5 / 5

It really makes sense to have someone like Robert Zemeckis remake a Disney movie or two. His A Christmas Carol (2009) is one of my favorite versions, and it surprised me that Disney didn't continue to use his unique skills. And for a story like Pinocchio, which includes prominent human characters as well as several inhuman one -- and one, of course, somewhere in between the two -- his brand of visual effects and the marriage between them and reality seems perfectly suited. And in a lot of ways, it is! I enjoyed the film almost exclusively due to his directorial flair and attempt to update the story.

But it's still Pinocchio, and for me this was one time too many of experiencing its weirdness. To be fair, I've never much liked the 1940 animated film either; it's just too creepy. Marionettes and puppets are nightmare fuel as they are, but when you add talking crickets and giant carnivorous whales and boys turning into donkeys, it's just not a fun time. Even when you're not getting beaten over the head with its moralizing and lifestyle warnings, you're getting waylaid by the fox and the cat or abducted by a traveling Italian puppet-master. None of it is exceptionally fun, and most of it is explicitly not fun. And it's not due to the obvious visual fun Zemeckis and his team bring to the production.

It's also not due to the actors, all of whom seem to be delighting in this romp through fantasyland. Cynthia Erivo pops in for an early scene as the Blue Fairy, singing "When You Wish Upon a Star" with her angelic voice. Luke Evans looks like he might be intoxicated during his turn as the Coachman and operator of Pleasure Island, and he's given a bizarre but cute new song to sing. Benjamin Evan Ainsworth voices the title character shockingly well, though as with most precocious and naïve children, he's appropriately quite annoying to listen to. Tom Hanks is doing a lot of odd character work these days (fresh off his villainous turn in Elvis), and his performance here as Gepetto is no exception, although he also seems to be doing conscious nods to Walt Disney himself (helped along by the production design: did you notice his clocks are mostly references to other Disney animated classics?). It's all pretty hammy, but what else do we expect from a story like Pinocchio? I mean, Keegan-Michael Key voices "Honest" John with more excitement than I've ever felt from him, and it's actually kind of chilling how much danger he brings to the character.

But despite all these, and they are definitely worth watching -- just like the film itself -- there is something fundamentally void at the center of this film. Perhaps it's that the remake is almost exactly a live-action (mostly) reproduction of the original. Most of the other remakes add things to their respective stories, making them more relevant or fixing glaring problems that have become apparent during subsequent culture shifts. The Jungle Book championed Mowgli's autonomy and choice of identity; Pete's Dragon included lots of environmentalism and thankfully no Mickey Rooney. But The Lion King did almost nothing for me (though it is indeed very pretty), and this Pinocchio felt similarly, feeling less inspired than some regurgitated imagery in a liminal space. A few added songs that felt a bit forced and sassy one-liners shoved up against familiar quotes sometimes brought me pleasure, but mostly had me checking how much time had already passed. But Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a delightful Jiminy Cricket, and for the most part he helps carry us through the experience. It's a wonder to behold and might be thoroughly fun for some people, if you like the story. I don't.