Between Joe Wright, Hugh Jackman, and pretty cool aesthetic premise, I was looking forward to this film almost as much as Crimson Peak. So what happened?! Pan has to be the worst cinematic disappointment for me in years.
Okay, it's not all bad. Hugh Jackman takes gleeful pleasure in being a pirate, though he's not even on screen very long. And Garrett Hedlund is pretty. And some of the visuals are stunning.
That's it.
I knew we were off to a bad start when the film opened on a Dickensian orphanage run by fat, grumpy old nuns. From there the children are whisked away by pirates in a flying ship to Neverland, but not before causing chaos in the London skies and sailing through a bizarre limbo that would fit into Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) or Alice in Wonderland (2010). But Neverland itself is hardly better, as we see crowds of children laboring under the pirates singing Nirvana and Blackbeard (Jackman) snorting cocaine. I mean fairy dust. Apparently it keeps him looking "young" as long as he grinds it and inhales it regularly, though this important detail is only seen in one brief scene.
The plot is as straightforward as they come. Peter is on a quest to find his mother, who he learns was the great hero of the island natives and lover of the Fairy Prince. Eventually he leads the fairies and natives into victorious battle against Blackbeard and this pirates. Along the way, he befriends Garrett Hedlund as Hook (an odd name, as he as full use of both hands) and Tiger Lily, played by Rooney Mara. I don't really have a problem with the controversial casting of Rooney Mara -- who is to say what the native skin color of a fantasy island population may be? -- though the almost completely whitewashed cast is unfortunate.
What I do have a problem with is the stupidity of the film. The dialogue is inane and made me groan more than once: "The boys are lost, sir." "Then they are lost boys." Or "I lie sometimes. It's called being an adult." Beyond the dialogue, even the plot doesn't flow. Good thing the same body of water that hides enormous crocodiles also provides trippy visions for exposition; it's convenient, though apparently there's no concern about the monsters they escaped only moments before. In one scene, huge vicious birds attack our protagonist, and in another he seeks them out to help fight the pirates. Worst for me, in the climactic battle where Peter is destined to fight and kill Blackbeard, he simply leads the fairies in flying around the ship. He does absolutely no fighting. In fact, the only heroic thing he does in the whole film is fly to save Hook from falling into an abyss.
I could handle the strange production design if it were consistent, but it's not. I could handle steampunk pirates or neon-colored white natives if they fit into a larger aesthetic vision, but they don't. I could handle wild and spectacular CGI sequences if they supported a reasonably intelligent plot, but they don't. I could handle terrible dialogue if the characters were interesting, but they're not. And I could handle awkward camera angles and jerky, illogical editing if anything else in the film worked, but it doesn't! Actually, the really weird thing about the swooping camera shots is that they often happen when there is little or no action going on. Why waste the dynamic shot on scenery? Especially scenery that's mostly computer-generated??
The whole thing is a hodgepodge, big-budget waste of resources that brings nothing new to the imaginative world of Barrie's Peter Pan. Sure, it's not the worst thing to watch with your kids or maybe if you're under the influence. Yes, I might watch it again sometime to try and find something useful in it, or maybe just to enjoy Jackman's maniacal grin and feathered costume. I mean, pirates are my weak spot. Especially when they have a deep voice like Garrett Hedlund.
But do yourself a favor and save your money for a Halloween costume.
IMDb: Pan
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